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I slept exceedingly poorly last night. Again. I feel flabby and tired. My period has become a monthly ordeal. Exhausting more than I ever thought possible. Though I want it to end, I also feel out of sorts about being in menopause.

Why do they call it a pause? Once it’s done, it’s done. Menohault would be more accurate…and maybe more honoring to the women who are wiser for having achieved it.

Survived it, more like. Why didn’t the Feminist movement re-brand our elder years? Why did they buy into the idea that the middle passage is the one to be prized?

The middle passage is rocky and exhausting. I have way more time for reflection than I desire. I want to be doing, living, enjoying the last embers of my youth, rather than exhausted and hot-flashing, night-sweating, chilling, panicking then depressing, revved only to run out of steam ten minutes into the project I’ve started. I take naps, and even those aren’t enough some days to make me feel alive. Amidst this, I’m supposed to still mother and wife and career it? The forties are not really youthful after all. My mother was wrong.

After fifty, I really won’t be young anymore, at least not by cultural standards. I hear the fifties are a time of seeing your body really starting to feel old and worn. Aches and pains are supposedly normal. Arthritis and wrinkles where wrinkles don’t belong. Lower energy, lower metabolism, and lower drive, too, are supposedly part of that age. I’ve had a lot of that in my forties. Will it get worse? Is it really a side effect of perimenopause, which I’m already enjoying…so maybe I won’t feel any worse in my fifties…maybe I could feel better when the pause finally arrives? Like a new lease on life?

I sure could use a new experience of life. I don’t want to be young again, but I’d sure like to count on a good night’s sleep when I lay down at night and I’d sure like to know what to expect each day from my body. Continuity would be awfully nice. When is that rebirth they talk about in the menopause books going to finally begin? ‘Cause these labor pains are killing me.

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